What do we do? The toll of trying to support someone with addiction issues
I have come to realise that for someone who is an addict money provides the opportunity to feed what is a habit. Lifestyle is intertwined with addiction.
It is a typical day in the life of Ged, not his real name. Ged is someone who, for most of the time, is oblivious to what and where. Day blends into night.
haven’t seen him for almost two weeks. He has lost his phone, again. He has little cash, but the local council have booked him into a hotel, some 20 miles from his home city.
The last time I saw him he looked pale, tired and detached. Ged’s chaotic lifestyle is not unusual for others in similar circumstances. I know this as a social worker.
The difference here is that I know Ged on a personal level. He is my step-grandson. He has been addicted to alcohol and drugs for the greater part of his adult life. He is now in his mid-30s. The scars are visible, a face drawn in failure.
He lost his parents at a young age, through suicide and the legacy for him is emptiness, a resistance to talking that impacts on his mental health.
His dad was my stepson, and grief was something both me and my wife struggled with. Following her death, I found myself trying to support my little family.
Along with his sister, Ged spent long periods in care. He felt rejected.
His addiction to alcohol and drugs is like a deep-rooted tree that is rotting. He became associated with drugs in his teens, to block out the pain. It is what addiction is meant to do, but in turn, it fuels further despair and desperate attempts to survive.
Ged’s eyes are shrunken, and his face drawn in sadness. There are forced smiles, but sadness is the overwhelming emotion.
What he suffers tears at my heart. His moods are varied but so often he is in the pit of despair. He cannot function in one place; his ‘buzz’ is momentary and then he crashes.
I have witnessed addiction both in my family and professionally as a social worker. It draws on the emotions and, like many debilitating illnesses, there is fear and the threat of fatality.
Ged can be sociable and funny. In his attempts to be optimistic he presents stories that are fanciful and fantasy. It is all a mask. Addiction masks and deceives and blocks out pain.
I can remember working with children and their families who were broken. There were faces of despair, children affected by domestic abuse, facing uncertainty, insecurity, a life in care. There was also mistrust. Children feel rejected even with the most loving foster carers. So much is blocked out as they carry the pain of loss, unable to recover.
Ged and his sister Bel had those experiences. I suppose their suffering has enabled me to understand or at least identify with the pain and dysfunction of the children and families I worked with professionally. I had empathy as I struggled with pressures in my own family.
Death is something Ged seems to gamble with every day. He is one step from being on the streets again. Attempts at rehab are a challenge because of the levels of drugs and alcohol consumed. He must be free of any substance before the rehabilitation process begins.
A real threat is that he withdraws from the drugs and alcohol too quickly and he suffers seizures which could be fatal.
The last 20 years have been particularly difficult for Ged but also for Bel. She loves her brother but worries about him every day. It is frustrating and often there are arguments.
She does try to keep check, and gives him food and somewhere to sleep. She washes his clothes and is a good sister, but Ged’s addiction has had an impact on Bel and her children. It is disruptive and distressing.
We are a small family and try to support Ged but it’s increasingly difficult.
Everyday there is something to deal with, more to worry about and anxiety to share. It is not something you can leave or ignore. Addiction is about the addict but it’s also about a family affected and in pain as well.
To see my grandson without the things he needs really hurts.
Giving Ged money is not the answer. I have come to realise that for someone who is an addict money provides the opportunity to feed what is a habit. Lifestyle is intertwined with addiction.
But. His pleas and demands for more are difficult to resist.
What do we do?
Names have been changed to protect identity
A response from a member of BASW’s Alcohol and other drugs special interest group
Reading Brendan’s story reminds me that, as social workers, we are not set apart from the families that we work with.
What affects them may be affecting us, our families and our colleagues, although we may not always be aware of it.
As a social worker working in substance use I would urge Brendan’s to seek out local substance use services to understand the support on offer.
Can you support your family member to or remind them about appointments? Or do you need to think about putting boundaries in place to keep yourself as safe and well as possible?
Each person will have different answers to these questions.
Have you considered support for yourself as a family member affected by someone else’s substance use? If you are supported, you may be a better support for the person you are trying to help.
As a social work peer my hope for Brendan is that he is able to talk about the impact of substance use on his family life in his professional role, in supervision and perhaps in other areas if it feels possible or appropriate.
Sharing some of the vulnerable parts of our lives can lead to feeling more connected to our colleagues, enabling them to support us more effectively. It also acts as an antidote to shame, a feeling that goes hand and hand with addiction.
Substance use is so prevalent in social work, and this personal account is a reminder that there are no easy answers.
Like Brendan, we think about the person (brother, grandson, not just ‘addict’). We look for opportunities to stay connected even though it is difficult, and we keep in mind change is possible at the same time understanding we cannot make the person change.
Sarah Acheson, a specialist substance misuse social worker working in Brighton