‘My social worker gave me a sense of family when I had none’

Deanna’s childhood in America was characterised by abuse, failed foster care placements, hospitalisation, chilren’s homes, juvenile detention, reformatory school and risky behaviour.

Now aged 50, she has come through the otherside and written two books about her experiences – Kinderwhore and Pandora’s Box – in the hope it will educate policymakers and help others who are in care of the state.

Below is a Q&A with Deanna which contains content that some might find upsetting.

How would you describe your childhood

My childhood was one of constant change. The abuse was minimal compared to the years of uncertainty being between changing families and in various institutional settings. 

I was provided the basics of existence but didn’t have a good sense of family or fitting in or being loved and accepted, neither by a family or by my troubled peers. I didn’t have a sense of stability and it took me longer to learn social dynamics because I was always the new kid, the foster kid and a social outcast for most of my childhood. 

I was behind academically and was underachieving despite having a high IQ. I felt relative deprivation compared to my peers but was only wistful for loving family and possessions of my own. 

I learned self-destructive habits young, smoking and drinking by age eleven and was also a cutter. I didn’t lash out at the world, I just had depression and despair that I was unloved and unwanted and seemed to have less of everything and everybody else. 

I wished for death many times but didn’t have the courage to kill myself, luckily. My greatest joys were reading books and writing poetry. Both provided escapism and a chance to think about something other than my unenviable present and extremely uncertain future. 

Why did you call your book Kinderwhore and why did you write it?

I decided to use Kinderwhore for the shock value that would make somebody pick up the book to see what it was about. Another abuse tome, Bastard Out of Carolina, also uses obscenity in a title and won a Tony award for the movie adaptation starring Cher. 

The world is ready for the title Kinderwhore. I would rather have been a Child of the Moon and written about sage teachers and true love but I was handed this twisted book instead, the title lifted from the section of the book where I discuss being sexually abused at age four by my uncle… he used me like his little whore, a kinderwhore paid for in attention and kindness. 

I become an exotic dancer and even later, ended up in New York City being a high end escort, so it feels like I went from kinderwhore to being a kinder whore before retiring and concentrating on my creative life. 

Just read and you will understand. Walk with me hand and hand. Tell me how you would have handled things differently.  

What was the darkest period in your childhood and what, if anything, gave you hope to carry on?

I spent a couple years being mentally institutionalised and kept from normal life. I was aged between 12 and 14 and had not a soul in the world but my case worker, Jane, and my social worker, Rick. 

How did the support of professionals make a difference in your childhood?

Both Rick and Jane gave me a sense of family when I had none. They would talk with me and take me out to restaurants on special occasions. Rick was my social worker during my teenage years. He would listen to my woes and give me advice and basically be a dream friend. He was a handsome blonde man who ran marathons and I had a bit of a crush on him but he was always very aware of his body space and I didn’t tip headfirst into infatuation because he seemed almost afraid of me when it came to a goodbye hug.

He always made me feel heard and seen. I was special to someone. I am friends with both Jane and Rick still through Facebook. Many years have passed but they’ve both expressed joy for my accomplishments.  

A teacher from school let me stay with his family for Christmas one year. Once, staff at the children’s home bought me skittles and soda when I was stuck alone in the children’s home for thanksgiving. Never underestimate the value in the time you give the young, troubled youth, no matter how small, even if they act unhappy and cranky because of their personal problems. 

Have your experiences led to any insight into why adults treat children with such cruelty?

I’m not able to understand why some adults are cruel to helpless children. I’m naturally empathetic and decidedly gentle. I’ve never even sought to use my words to hurt others, let alone anything stronger. It appears that some people enjoy seeing others suffer and feel a sense of power from harming others. 

Where is the state going wrong in how it cares for vulnerable, troubled young people and what would you like to see change?

I think every child should be checked for both physical and sexual abuse, right away upon entering the services. It took the state three years before an exam was done on me uncovering sexual abuse. 

The sooner children get therapy, the better. Too many children age out of the system and are immediately homeless or become homeless within two years. They also have a higher arrest rate, as they turn to criminal pathways. 

The state should provide a halfway house set up for foster kids age between 18 and 21. It would provide housing and secondary education encouragement and support to help those young adults launch into their lives. 

Where are you now, emotionally and mentally in your life?

I’m now 50 years old and at an excellent point of my life. My living situation is stable. I have a boyfriend who I adore and I’ve spent 15 years writing, editing and publishing my Kinderwhore book series. 

I relived past traumas, laughed and cried over different memories. I captured them one by one and drained them dry of all emotion. I am healed and quite satisfied that my life has been recorded. It has been a challenging life and I’m grateful to have passed along what I’ve learned to interested others. 

What has been the lasting legacy of your childhood?

I was hypersexual from a young age, maybe because of sexual abuse. I was a promiscuous teen and young woman and ended up in the erotic entertainment industry for several years. Many women in the erotic entertainment industry have been sexually abused. 

My books show the progression from childhood to adulthood and how those changes occur over time. My work is a legacy of my lifetime. It’s more like Charles Dickens meets Edgar Allan Poe but this isn’t fiction. I couldn’t pick and choose the events.

If you were able to send a message to your childhood yourself what would it be?

I would tell myself you will be loved.

Is the world a good or a bad place?

The world is, and can’t really be defined as a good or bad place. There are subjective elements of both in any lifetime and we each have a different trauma spectrum of hardships and sorrows.